It is crazy when you realize that many (throw away children) are victims of sexual abuse. I am not going to get into a debate about that description, it was once used to describe a child I knew and really adds to the mentality at that time.

Protector I became, to other little girls in the area, by age 7 we had our own little group of survivors and 2 large families involved in hiding big secrets!! One of the older girls told her mom about the men and all hell broke lose, I got stabbed in my shoulder with a pencil by one of the sons for my big mouth!!

I protected my younger siblings until I couldnt any more! That decision was taken from me when I was around 9. Life became very new and scary for me..and I to this day feel like I was dropped off like an unwanted puppy..

My mothers version of course was that I was a difficult child and she didnt know what to do with me, while I will agree that I was acting out ..I needed help!!

The shock of now having a new father, and new baby on the way (his spouse was expecting) and learning that my whole life was a lie was overwhelming.

I cut up all my dresses shortly after that ..easy access no longer an option!! Not long before I was sent for a “visit” to my father for “the summer” . I did not realize at that time that my mother had packed my skates!

It was the end of one stage and the beginning of a new larger world. It became apparent very quickly that my father was still very angry with my mother for letting his children go!! I experienced the ups and downs of his emotions about the situation. He directed that anger at me! He would talk down about my mother and I believe that yes he loved us, but he was not emotionally equipped to deal with “this” little bundle of joy! He was angry and threatening and loud!!

My “new” family consisted of grandparents, aunts , uncles, cousins, and of course before too long 2 beautiful little sisters and another brother!! I love all my siblings but could no longer protect them .. because I needed to protect myself first!

One response to “Protector”

  1. Tha k you for some wonderful healing and understand of the protected feeling and that of one you gave me while my foster sister and my fost mom to an aunts to my children 💕

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